You can never go home again (part one). Otherwise known as albert joins a gang.

Also, this is I think Michael Landon’s last appearance so he is really Emmy baiting here. His method acting is to always be on the verge of tears. I also get rully confused in these later episodes because I never really watched them the first time around.

Charles Ingalls, our hero who has battled rabies, Injuns, racism, is suddenly working as someone’s bitch in a men’s clothing store. In Chicago. Also, he is sporting a whole head of gray hair, was that spray on or is he going for the silver fox look? His manager is hounding him to upsell, where Charles is so morally superior he is above that. What is this, Jeffrey’s? Charles has worked late every day this week, and boo-fucking-hoo.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door, it’s the po-po, who is actually an Irish guy. Of course Charles knows him because he probably knows all the police officers, because he probably goes around and tries to solve crime for them. Apparently Albert got in trouble again, this time robbing a store. Charles tells bitchy boss he has to go, and is told that if he goes he is fired. Charles, always getting a boner for curing the less fortunate, leaves.

The slammer is slammin’! I think someone hired too many extras for this scene. There are ruffians everywhere. While waiting, Charles looks at a boy who is…gasp…smoking a cigarette. I think that is supposed to symbolize absolute corruption? Whatevs. The gruff detective on Albert’s case, who sounds more like he belongs on NYPD Blue, tells him it’s the third time Albert’s been caught, so he had to finally do something. Why did Albert get two other chances? Apparently Albert’s been hanging out with a bad crowd. If the shopkeeper presses charges, Albert could get 3-5 years in jail. Then rapist mimes is the least of his problems.

Charles of course can’t pass up the chance to use his weeping routine in front of said shopkeeper, so he goes to see him to plead his case. The shopkeeper does a good job of keeping a “are you fucking kidding me” look on his face the entire time, and declares that he can understand why criminals are what they are, but he can’t BELIEVE that Albert can be a criminal when he has a FATHER LIKE CHARLES. Because…say it with me.. the Ingalls are better than you. Even people that know them for five seconds. So Charles does a nice recap which keeps me up to speed, in that he moved the fam to Chicago because he wanted to be secure in making money, but the city “changes” people, it’s not like Walnut Grove where everyone knew each other and Charles could be up everyone’s ass all the time. The shopkeeper agrees not to press charges if he takes Albert home to Walnut Grove. Either the actor here is really good or really bad, because the whole time he looks like he’s about the laugh at Charles.

Finally we get to see all Sulky McMorphine Pants, Albert. He doesn’t want to go, but Charles tells him either he goes or he’ll be in jail. Here would be a good time for Albert to use the “yea, but you’re not really my father” excuse, but he doesn’t go for it.

Do you ever feel like the writers sometimes have trouble filling the allotted 47 minutes and throw in unnecessary scenes? yea, me too. We see Charles and Albert on the stagecoach for a while; we like know they are coming to Walnut Grove. Laura, Almanzo and Rose are waiting for them. I might add that ‘Manzo looks smokin’ hot. Something about those tight pants, boots and suspenders. Laura goes into the kitchen where Hester Sue is trying to work and starts blabbering to her about how much she missed Pa and still feels like his little girl, and she gets all breathy, and it starts to get a weird vibe. It’s totally confirmed when Pa comes in and they embrace and I swear, Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon must have made out on the set because there’s some serious weirdness when they embrace; as in, no one loves their Pa THAT much.

Albert is super sulky at dinner at Laura’s, and Doc Baker conveniently drops by to say hi to Charles. They all go out to the barn to check out the stallion- I mean, the one other than Almanzo. CONVENIENTLY, the Doc leaves his bag, and Albert goes in and steals the morphine, as the music of bad judgment plays. After the commercial, we see Albert in bed with Pa saying goodnight, practically straddling him. This is the episode of inappropriate family relationships, I guess. Albert is suddenly in a good mood, and lets out the really forced giggle, and here is some of his shittiest acting yet. Charles laughs too, and says “I can’t figure ya out, Albert.”

The next day at the school/church/dance hall/multipurpose room, some kid Jason is trying to do a math problem but is having trouble seeing the board. And that scene takes up about 10 minutes. Geez, the teacher, Miss Plum, is an AMAZON WOMAN. Finally she suggests that Jason needs glasses, and he foams at the mouth he’s so happy, this is certainly different from way back when when Mary needed to get classes; she got a whole episode and a conniption fit. Have no idea why that whole scene was necessary; probably for me to have a bathroom break.

Oh, wait, it’s that kid Jason who lives in the Ingall’s shitty excuse for a house. The boys are all outside talking about baseball and Albert is all bitchy and doesn’t want to play…that is, until he goes out back to the water pump and drinks his magical morphine water then he’s all stoked. I’m a little disappointed, I thought we’d see Albert shooting up; drinking a water mixture from a floral print bowl is not as exciting. He strikes out and falls down, and it’s super slo mo like a fricking John Woo film. Can I also mention that Willie’s pants practically go up to his armpits?

He falls asleep in class, and Miss Plum calls him on it, and he makes a show of touching his face while he makes up and excuse. Am I being Captain Obvious if I say Albert can’t act his way out of a barrel of Ma’s dumplings?

This whole time, Charles is watching from the Mill, where he is apparently working again. He has a heart to heart with Mr. Edwards, and we get teary monologue number two from Michael Landon. He can’t sleep at night not knowing what Albert is doing! He’s totally changed! Sometimes he feels like he wants Albert to go away and never come back because it would be easier! Well Charles, you had your chance for Albert to be locked away. Charles runs off in tears and Mr Edwards has a look of wtf?

Willie invites him home after school and promises him some gumballs from the store. Willie asks if Albert is glad to be back, and Albert claims he likes the city more, there is way more to do. Albert tells Willie about his super-cool friends, and that “they had a gang”. Willie asks “did you have a clubhouse?” Can I get an amen for this being one of the best quotes ever?

Conveniences of all conveniences, a box of medical supplies needs to go to Doc Baker. However Ms. Oleson is more interested in gossiping about how Charles took a trip without Caroline and is their marriage in trouble? Then her and Nels’ abusive relationship is played for laughs. Nyuk nyuk nyuk, they hate each other and they are trapped in this marriage! Hilarious!

Albert takes the case to the hotel and then goes to the kitchen and steals some powdered sugar. For a second I thought he was going to snort it, but he replaces the morphine in the envelopes with the sugar, then brings it to Doc Baker. Wow! What a coincidence! Doc Baker tells him he leaves the key under the door, and Albert can come by anytime to borrow medical books.

Then he sees Pa and Mr. Edwards about to go fishing, and they ask him to come along, and Albert does the touching his face thing saying he has too much homework. What does that mean? He’s itchin’ for a fix? He’s lying? We get a parting shot of Albert’s lifeless expression as we end part one.