We open with an elderly couple, and I forgot their names, but it doesn’t matter, because you kniow we will never hear from them again. The guy is in pain, and Doc Baker gives them morphine, but hey-oh! They are actually sugar packets because Albert stole the morphine because he’s a full on junkie. Doc Baker tastes the morphine and can tell it’s sugar. Something tells me he takes a little dip into all the meds he gets. Doc Baker kind of rules in this ep. You just watch. Doc does some detective work and backtracks to the Olsen’s and finds out that Albert delivered the chest with the original morphine in it.
Doc comes to find Charles and I am sure secretly he is excited to tell him that his boy fucked up and therefore Charles is not perfect. Charles, of course, denies it and Doc makes him take him back to the hotel and look through everything. Charles is peeved and Doc claims that “he wants to be wrong about Albert”, and finally Doc makes him look in Albert’s shoes. Charkles gawks at the morphine he finds and Doc is secretly thinking “fuck yea! perfect my ass!”
Albert comes running home from school jonesin’ for a fix, and comes back to look in his shoes, and Charles is hiding behind the door so he sees him as he closes it. Creepy. How long has Charles been in that hiding place, touching himself and thinking about the chance to have a heart to heart father/son talk. Charles confronts him, and Albert changes the subject claiming that Charles planned to leave him in Walnut Grove. It totally works, because Charles feels guilty and kisses Albert’s ass. Albert finally admits to using and buries his face in pa’s shoulder which you know Pa loves so he forgives Albert and starts crying as they hug. Keep your tallies ready, because Charles fucking cries every five minutes.
Charles comes out to see Doc, his chest all puffed out and excited to tell Doc that he confronted Albert and that they made nicey-nicey and since he is such an amazing father, Albert is not going to use anymore and that’s that. Doc says passive-aggressively, “yea, unless he’s addicted…” and Pa assures him that Albert wouldn’t lie to him. Doc tells Charles to watch out for Albert’s mood swings.
The next day Albert is at school and woozy as hell, and cranky to boot. He can’t answer the math problem on the board, and Jeb says “maybe you need Jason’s glasses” and Albert turns around and starts wailing on him. Miss Plum jumps in to break it up, and Albert slaps her. I laughed out loud. Also, Miss Amazon Woman teacher could totally take on scrawny Albert. Albert runs off and Miss Plum runs off to tell Charles what happened. Something tells me she is also enjoying telling Charles that his son fucked up.
Charles can’t find Albert, and Dic tells him that since Albert is an addict, he’ll find them. They hide in the dark in Doc Baker’s office and trap him when he comes back fro more morphine. Finally, Charles decides to take Albert away while he detoxes. Mr. Edwards offwers to let them use his sad bachelor pad. That place is even sadder that the Ingall’s original farmhouse.
The last 30 minutes of this ep treats us to Albert’s several stages of detox, which include:
1. The night terrors
2. extreme sweating
3. Where he tricks pa into taking him outside for fresh air, and then pushing Pa to the floor and trying to run away. Pa catches him. Albert cries. Pa cries.
4. The leg twitches
5. More screaming and sweating
6. More leg twitching, Pa yelling “let it out Albert!” and Albert’s finest screen moment ever, vomiting up a white milk-like substance over him and Pa. Pa clings to Albert crying. Also, I hope they clean Mr. Edwards’ sheets for him. Also, don’t you think Pa would have a bucket handy? Watching Trainspotting taught me that in detoxing, you need three buckets: one for shit, one for piss, and one for vomitus.
Laura shows up for no reason also, probably so she can still justify having her name first in the credits. Pa sends her away so he can be the hero who saves Albert.
A few days later, Albert comes back to the school, apologizes, and does a PSA for the students in which he tells them doing drugs to fit in just ain’t cool.
As he and Pa head back on the stagecoach, Laura voice overs that Albert would return to Walnut Grove as Dr. Albert Ingalls. Of course, that’s after he also dies of nosebleeds.
On another subject, how much does this make you want to punch them all in the face?
So much crying. Anyone else remember that in the books–which I actually enjoy for themselves, not because any unintentional hilarity–how big a deal it was to NOT cry? Because the Ingalls were living tough lives and crying wouldn’t help. Babies cried. Adults sucked it up and worked to make things better. But on the show? All they ever do is cry.
Still, I watch every chance I get. The crying bugs me, as does Landon’s stupid “I want to laugh at you because I’m so much better than you” almost-smiling smirk, but I still like the show. Just those two pet peeves.
I think my dinner is ruined
Hilarious recap, again. Something else that bugged me about this episode was the way Doc Baker said “morphine”. He said it mor-PHINE.
I would have totally bought that People magazine, but what in the world is wrong with MG’s teeth?
GROSS. I forgot how crude LHOTP could be. Of course, after Sophie’s brutal rape (Good God, she had to crawl home it hurt so bad) or when Joseph the Native American boy got beat to a bloody pulp (you can’t tell me he didn’t have some internal injuries after that beating), I shouldn’t have been surprised…
Do you mean Sylvia? I forgot about that. Her father opens the door and she laying there with dirt smeared on her cheek.
Don’t you wish they’d have put Charles Jr. crawling on the ceiling? I just can’t help but feel like something is missing.
So, so funny. Especially the part about how Ms. Plum can’t wait to tell Charles about how Albert fucked up. I’m still cracking up about it.
I’ve tried a couple times to decide which Charles does more – throws a punch or cries. It’s probably a tossup!
4 the people that think this is funny 4 wat albert did its not!