In “The Hunters,” Laura displays what a little weirdo she is.  She and Pa convince Ma to let her go hunting with him and Mr. Edwards (who complains about her going the whole way into the woods, because a woman on a hunting trip is bad luck no matter how old, and then he puts a giant rock in her backpack so she can barely hobble along after them- uh, how rude.  But honestly how did she not immediately be like, hey, wtf is in this thing.)

Laura tells Pa, while they are sitting around the campfire, that she used to think she would grow up and marry him.  And then later that she would grow up and be a boy.  I had no idea there were gay, incestuous, transgendered people on the prairie!

Then the next day Laura knocks over Pa’s loaded gun and it shoots him in the stomach.  Then while she’s dragging the horse and Pa up an especially steep and rocky hill to get him back to this trapper guy’s cabin, the horse loses its footing and they tumble down the hill.  And the horse dies.  I am gonna take a time out here and say that there is far too much horse death in this show.  I was DEVESTATED when Bunny fell and Pa had to shoot her.

Basically, there is a ridiculous series of events that follows where Laura has to run back to the cabin, cajole the trapper’s blind dad into helping her get Pa back home, and then trapper guy not coming back in the morning like he’s supposed to because oh no, sometimes he runs both trap lines, so then blind dad has to be convinced to leave the house AGAIN so he can help Laura get to Mr. Edwards (because the directions are all in his MIND, y’see) and Laura tells him they’ll be afraid together.  So they go, and leave dying bleeding Pa by himself?  How is he gonna go pee?  Seriously, I really think he would be dead by now.

BUT THEN.  All the landmarks blind man knows in his brain are different now.  And he wants to go back!  So he and Laura yell at each other again and she convinces him to keep going- meanwhile, Pa pulls back the covers to look at his bandage and there is bright red paint all over it, so you know it’s bad.  And he knocks over his water so he stumbles outside to get some (bad move, Pa) but just goes right on by the big water barrel thing and like, into the creek, and falls on his face?  What even is this.  And then Laura and blind man aren’t at the creek (or, “crick”) they thought they were.  But then they find Mr. Edwards anyway, and this must have been an extra special TV night because it’s been an hour and three minutes at this point.

So they get back to the cabin (Mr. Edwards brings a doctor,)  find Pa in the creek/crick, and I know this is really killing you guys, so I’ll just come out and say it: Pa lives.

Related note: Is anyone following Melissa Gilbert (@MelissaEGilbert) on twitter?  She will tweet like, twenty times in a row, and then be done for the day.  Also she twitpics her dogs all the time.  It’s kind of cute.

So, John Jr. and Mary want to get engaged, only that means that John can’t go to university to learn how to be a published poet.  And Ma gives Mary this whole speech that I guess is supposed to make her feel better, but.  I don’t know, it basically goes something like, “Well, I used to have all these dreams and things I wanted to do and places I wanted to go, but then I got married, and when you get married that’s all in the past and I can’t even remember that girl.”  And she tells Mary “It’s okay, it happens to everyone.”  And it’s REALLY WEIRD because for a hot second it kind of feels like Ma has some REGRETS about marrying Pa and giving up whatever dreams she may have had that she doesn’t even remember anymore because when you get married you sacrifice your individuality and your own hopes and desires.

But anyway, Mary goes to Mr. Edwards and cries and says she doesn’t want John this way, “with the life gone out of him,” so they send John away to university.  The boy’s like, fifteen though.  Man, the prairie was different.

I thought I’d start out with a Ma episode, because Ma is my favoritest.  This is a really early episode in the series, where Pa’s idea of a romantic weekend away is dragging Ma along on a work trip to Mankato.  Because Mankato is the center of the universe, or something.  I can’t tell you how shocked I was that one time they went to Minneapolis for Mary’s math thing.

Anyway, the widow Snyder is supposed to take care of the girls, but she gets a sore throat, so they leave the kids with Mr. Edwards.  Which, I mean.  I guess Ma and Pa were really desperate for some alone time, to leave their kids with Mr. Edwards.  Which doesn’t really make sense to me, because it’s not as if they weren’t having sex with Carrie five feet away when they conceived Charles Jr.

Ma wakes up in the middle of the night (they’re sleeping out in the middle of nowhere on the ground, by the way- what a fancy holiday for Ma!) freaking out about the eggs.  Because, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but those eggs are the number one source of drama in Caroline’s life.  Back home, Carrie wakes up Mr. Edwards in the middle of the night, absolutely shrieking, because she refused to eat dinner and now she’s hungry.  OMG, what a jerk.  Then he heats her up some slop and turns around and she’s gotten back in bed and fallen asleep.  Wtf, why does she exist.

Ma and Pa have a fancy dinner, and Ma wants to know how much it cost.  Pa won’t tell her because he says it’ll ruin her appetite.  Which is a bummer, because I want to know.  Prairie pricing doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.  Because a stove cost $7, and then in this episode Ma tries on a scary bonnet that costs $2.50, and I just feel that is far too expensive compared to a $7 stove.  I don’t really know how much a stove costs now, though.

That night Ma wakes up from a nightmare about Carrie (she is probably really bummed that that’s the kid they ended up naming after her), but clearly she should have been thinking about the eggs again, because Mary and Laura forgot them.  You can hardly blame them, they are probably delirious from hunger, after Mr. Edwards tried to get them to eat something called “Engine Stew” that he said would put hair on their chest.  So they go out in the middle of night in the rain to get the eggs, and my cat was being really needy and climbing all over me at this part, but basically it all ends in Mr. Edwards shooting a gaping hole in the roof because he thinks there are chicken thieves outside.  WHO EVEN DOES THAT.

Then Pa takes Ma to see a play called “Abandoned Daughters,” which.  Could they not have come up with a better fake play?  The dialogue is SO BAD.  “Why is mother leaving us?”  “I guess she doesn’t love us anymore!”  Omg.  So, Ma starts crying, because clearly, going on a vacation for a few days is the same as leaving your children forever because you don’t love them anymore.  Pa’s face during this part is pretty epic.  Like he is realizing he’s not gonna get any tonight, so they might as well pack up and go home early.

So they do, and Ma is happy again, because a woman’s place is in the home, preferably the kitchen, and if she is taken out of her element and served food and offered bonnets, she will have a meltdown.  That is our lesson for today.

The Little House on the Prairie musical which premiered last year at the Guthrie Theater in Minneapolis is going to be playing at the Ordway Theatre in St. Paul, Minnesota from October 13 – 25, 2009! Melissa Gilbert will be reprising her role as Ma Ingalls, and the Star Tribune has reported that the production will be “tweaked and re-designed.”

Since When Did Half-Pint Wear Pants?

Tickets go on sale September 13, 2009, so if you want to go, I’d suggest getting them right away that morning to get good seats because the performance at the Guthrie sold out quickly. I called for my tickets immediately at 10 AM when they went on sale but didn’t get through until 7 PM because the phone lines were jammed for hours. The Guthrie’s website even crashed because of all the people trying to buy tickets on-line!

I’m not sure if I’m going to go again, but I sort of want to because I’d love to see what “tweaks” and “re-designs” are made to the musical. Hopefully, the tweaks and re-designs include more air time for Nellie!

The restaurant was serving LHOTP cocktails in honor of the musical. Because I’m a total Little House freak, I almost wet my bloomers when I saw the menu — you know, the way Laura does whenever she sees Manly. I just knew I had to take a picture of it and that was long before I ever knew I was going to be part of a kick-ass LHOTP blog!

Give Me Ma's Nightly Nip, Please

I suppose they thought they were too good for nightly nips or prairie-tinis. Or maybe they were worried Albert would find their stash of liquor, get drunk and burn the house down.

I can’t tell which is which.  But there they are, in full prairie regalia.

NOW:

This is the Carries today apparently.  Although I still can’t tell which is which and actually I don’t think it even matters really.  They look quite similar yet somehow smarter than Carrie.

If you go to www.greenbushtwins.com, they each have their own section and there are links on Lindsay’s page to her MySpace page and on Lindsay’s MySpace, Sidney has a MySpace as well.  You have to look at the pictures, because it appears they may go by Robin and Rachel now.  Probably to keep their rabid fans at bay.

I’m sort of in love with the fact that Christmas is the one time of year that life sucks for the Ingalls.  Anyone else watch this one and wonder why they didn’t just fall into a well or lose a baby while they were at it?  Let’s see, Mary and Caroline work tirelessly to buy the same fabric and make the exact same shirt for Pa, who has overworked himself to the point of exhaustion on some broken wagon wheels, just so that he can afford to buy Caroline a stove, that has already been purchased by Laura in a trade with Mr. Oleson for her beloved pony, Bunny, who, incidentally, was just fitted for a new saddle for Laura’s Christmas present.  It’s like the Gift of the Magi on heroine up in this piece. 

The only one who comes out on top this Christmas is Mary, who got some creepy fur stole that made me want to barf because I SWEAR I saw eyes and a tongue on that thing. I’d say that Carrie did pretty good for herself, bargain-shopping a Christmas star for Pa (talking the Olesons down from five cents to a penny is nothing short of a Christmas miracle), but then Carrie said some pretty stupid shit throughout the episode, and I just can’t help but feel like she’d be just as proud of herself for taking a poop in her bed. 

Merry Christmas Ingalls.  Hope your New Year doesn’t find you cropless and blind.

We open with an elderly couple, and I forgot their names, but it doesn’t matter, because you kniow we will never hear from them again. The guy is in pain, and Doc Baker gives them morphine, but hey-oh! They are actually sugar packets because Albert stole the morphine because he’s a full on junkie. Doc Baker tastes the morphine and can tell it’s sugar. Something tells me he takes a little dip into all the meds he gets. Doc Baker kind of rules in this ep. You just watch. Doc does some detective work and backtracks to the Olsen’s and finds out that Albert delivered the chest with the original morphine in it.

Doc comes to find Charles and I am sure secretly he is excited to tell him that his boy fucked up and therefore Charles is not perfect. Charles, of course, denies it and Doc makes him take him back to the hotel and look through everything. Charles is peeved and Doc claims that “he wants to be wrong about Albert”, and finally Doc makes him look in Albert’s shoes. Charkles gawks at the morphine he finds and Doc is secretly thinking “fuck yea! perfect my ass!”

Albert comes running home from school jonesin’ for a fix, and comes back to look in his shoes, and Charles is hiding behind the door so he sees him as he closes it. Creepy. How long has Charles been in that hiding place, touching himself and thinking about the chance to have a heart to heart father/son talk. Charles confronts him, and Albert changes the subject claiming that Charles planned to leave him in Walnut Grove. It totally works, because Charles feels guilty and kisses Albert’s ass. Albert finally admits to using and buries his face in pa’s shoulder which you know Pa loves so he forgives Albert and starts crying as they hug. Keep your tallies ready, because Charles fucking cries every five minutes.

Charles comes out to see Doc, his chest all puffed out and excited to tell Doc that he confronted Albert and that they made nicey-nicey and since he is such an amazing father, Albert is not going to use anymore and that’s that. Doc says passive-aggressively, “yea, unless he’s addicted…” and Pa assures him that Albert wouldn’t lie to him. Doc tells Charles to watch out for Albert’s mood swings.

The next day Albert is at school and woozy as hell, and cranky to boot. He can’t answer the math problem on the board, and Jeb says “maybe you need Jason’s glasses” and Albert turns around and starts wailing on him. Miss Plum jumps in to break it up, and Albert slaps her. I laughed out loud. Also, Miss Amazon Woman teacher could totally take on scrawny Albert. Albert runs off and Miss Plum runs off to tell Charles what happened. Something tells me she is also enjoying telling Charles that his son fucked up.

Charles can’t find Albert, and Dic tells him that since Albert is an addict, he’ll find them. They hide in the dark in Doc Baker’s office and trap him when he comes back fro more morphine. Finally, Charles decides to take Albert away while he detoxes. Mr. Edwards offwers to let them use his sad bachelor pad. That place is even sadder that the Ingall’s original farmhouse.

The last 30 minutes of this ep treats us to Albert’s several stages of detox, which include:

1. The night terrors

2. extreme sweating

3. Where he tricks pa into taking him outside for fresh air, and then pushing Pa to the floor and trying to run away. Pa catches him. Albert cries. Pa cries.

4. The leg twitches

5. More screaming and sweating

6. More leg twitching, Pa yelling “let it out Albert!” and Albert’s finest screen moment ever, vomiting up a white milk-like substance over him and Pa. Pa clings to Albert crying. Also, I hope they clean Mr. Edwards’ sheets for him. Also, don’t you think Pa would have a bucket handy? Watching Trainspotting taught me that in detoxing, you need three buckets: one for shit, one for piss, and one for vomitus.

Laura shows up for no reason also, probably so she can still justify having her name first in the credits. Pa sends her away so he can be the hero who saves Albert.

A few days later, Albert comes back to the school, apologizes, and does a PSA for the students in which he tells them doing drugs to fit in just ain’t cool.

As he and Pa head back on the stagecoach, Laura voice overs that Albert would return to Walnut Grove as Dr. Albert Ingalls. Of course, that’s after he also dies of nosebleeds.

On another subject, how much does this make you want to punch them all in the face?

Charles Ingalls, our hero who has battled rabies, Injuns, racism, is suddenly working as someone’s bitch in a men’s clothing store. In Chicago. Also, he is sporting a whole head of gray hair, was that spray on or is he going for the silver fox look? His manager is hounding him to upsell, where Charles is so morally superior he is above that. What is this, Jeffrey’s? Charles has worked late every day this week, and boo-fucking-hoo.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door, it’s the po-po, who is actually an Irish guy. Of course Charles knows him because he probably knows all the police officers, because he probably goes around and tries to solve crime for them. Apparently Albert got in trouble again, this time robbing a store. Charles tells bitchy boss he has to go, and is told that if he goes he is fired. Charles, always getting a boner for curing the less fortunate, leaves.

The slammer is slammin’! I think someone hired too many extras for this scene. There are ruffians everywhere. While waiting, Charles looks at a boy who is…gasp…smoking a cigarette. I think that is supposed to symbolize absolute corruption? Whatevs. The gruff detective on Albert’s case, who sounds more like he belongs on NYPD Blue, tells him it’s the third time Albert’s been caught, so he had to finally do something. Why did Albert get two other chances? Apparently Albert’s been hanging out with a bad crowd. If the shopkeeper presses charges, Albert could get 3-5 years in jail. Then rapist mimes is the least of his problems.

Charles of course can’t pass up the chance to use his weeping routine in front of said shopkeeper, so he goes to see him to plead his case. The shopkeeper does a good job of keeping a “are you fucking kidding me” look on his face the entire time, and declares that he can understand why criminals are what they are, but he can’t BELIEVE that Albert can be a criminal when he has a FATHER LIKE CHARLES. Because…say it with me.. the Ingalls are better than you. Even people that know them for five seconds. So Charles does a nice recap which keeps me up to speed, in that he moved the fam to Chicago because he wanted to be secure in making money, but the city “changes” people, it’s not like Walnut Grove where everyone knew each other and Charles could be up everyone’s ass all the time. The shopkeeper agrees not to press charges if he takes Albert home to Walnut Grove. Either the actor here is really good or really bad, because the whole time he looks like he’s about the laugh at Charles.

Finally we get to see all Sulky McMorphine Pants, Albert. He doesn’t want to go, but Charles tells him either he goes or he’ll be in jail. Here would be a good time for Albert to use the “yea, but you’re not really my father” excuse, but he doesn’t go for it.

Do you ever feel like the writers sometimes have trouble filling the allotted 47 minutes and throw in unnecessary scenes? yea, me too. We see Charles and Albert on the stagecoach for a while; we like know they are coming to Walnut Grove. Laura, Almanzo and Rose are waiting for them. I might add that ‘Manzo looks smokin’ hot. Something about those tight pants, boots and suspenders. Laura goes into the kitchen where Hester Sue is trying to work and starts blabbering to her about how much she missed Pa and still feels like his little girl, and she gets all breathy, and it starts to get a weird vibe. It’s totally confirmed when Pa comes in and they embrace and I swear, Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon must have made out on the set because there’s some serious weirdness when they embrace; as in, no one loves their Pa THAT much.

Albert is super sulky at dinner at Laura’s, and Doc Baker conveniently drops by to say hi to Charles. They all go out to the barn to check out the stallion- I mean, the one other than Almanzo. CONVENIENTLY, the Doc leaves his bag, and Albert goes in and steals the morphine, as the music of bad judgment plays. After the commercial, we see Albert in bed with Pa saying goodnight, practically straddling him. This is the episode of inappropriate family relationships, I guess. Albert is suddenly in a good mood, and lets out the really forced giggle, and here is some of his shittiest acting yet. Charles laughs too, and says “I can’t figure ya out, Albert.”

The next day at the school/church/dance hall/multipurpose room, some kid Jason is trying to do a math problem but is having trouble seeing the board. And that scene takes up about 10 minutes. Geez, the teacher, Miss Plum, is an AMAZON WOMAN. Finally she suggests that Jason needs glasses, and he foams at the mouth he’s so happy, this is certainly different from way back when when Mary needed to get classes; she got a whole episode and a conniption fit. Have no idea why that whole scene was necessary; probably for me to have a bathroom break.

Oh, wait, it’s that kid Jason who lives in the Ingall’s shitty excuse for a house. The boys are all outside talking about baseball and Albert is all bitchy and doesn’t want to play…that is, until he goes out back to the water pump and drinks his magical morphine water then he’s all stoked. I’m a little disappointed, I thought we’d see Albert shooting up; drinking a water mixture from a floral print bowl is not as exciting. He strikes out and falls down, and it’s super slo mo like a fricking John Woo film. Can I also mention that Willie’s pants practically go up to his armpits?

He falls asleep in class, and Miss Plum calls him on it, and he makes a show of touching his face while he makes up and excuse. Am I being Captain Obvious if I say Albert can’t act his way out of a barrel of Ma’s dumplings?

This whole time, Charles is watching from the Mill, where he is apparently working again. He has a heart to heart with Mr. Edwards, and we get teary monologue number two from Michael Landon. He can’t sleep at night not knowing what Albert is doing! He’s totally changed! Sometimes he feels like he wants Albert to go away and never come back because it would be easier! Well Charles, you had your chance for Albert to be locked away. Charles runs off in tears and Mr Edwards has a look of wtf?

Willie invites him home after school and promises him some gumballs from the store. Willie asks if Albert is glad to be back, and Albert claims he likes the city more, there is way more to do. Albert tells Willie about his super-cool friends, and that “they had a gang”. Willie asks “did you have a clubhouse?” Can I get an amen for this being one of the best quotes ever?

Conveniences of all conveniences, a box of medical supplies needs to go to Doc Baker. However Ms. Oleson is more interested in gossiping about how Charles took a trip without Caroline and is their marriage in trouble? Then her and Nels’ abusive relationship is played for laughs. Nyuk nyuk nyuk, they hate each other and they are trapped in this marriage! Hilarious!

Albert takes the case to the hotel and then goes to the kitchen and steals some powdered sugar. For a second I thought he was going to snort it, but he replaces the morphine in the envelopes with the sugar, then brings it to Doc Baker. Wow! What a coincidence! Doc Baker tells him he leaves the key under the door, and Albert can come by anytime to borrow medical books.

Then he sees Pa and Mr. Edwards about to go fishing, and they ask him to come along, and Albert does the touching his face thing saying he has too much homework. What does that mean? He’s itchin’ for a fix? He’s lying? We get a parting shot of Albert’s lifeless expression as we end part one.